Speak

You got my tongue tied again

And my head aching

Cause my thoughts got a

Battering ram

and they’re trying to get out

But your back’s against the door

Cause lord knows you don’t want to hear

What I have to say

so your car feels like a

a waiting room

where all my speech will echo

for everyone to hear my

each and every word

you turn up the music

and I watch it fall to the ground

weaker than a breeze

not to sway the silence that hangs

over head

I look at you and think

How I’d kill for you to speak

Cause I think I’m about to scream

Just to hear a sound

Where have you been

Tell me I can’t tell me I won’t

I love the look on your face when you’re mad

In my passenger seat and we’re lost

You ask me if I know where I’m going

I say I never had a clue

I didn’t make the roads

I didn’t bend the bends

Or pave the highways and freeways

I just kept my hands on the wheel

And my eyes up ahead

But I love the anger in your voice

And your fingers on the maps

Tracing lines like they’re roads

Trying to be found on a globe

But never in the world

I love your hands when your throw them

In the air in frustration

How they move like a puppet

Waltzing with your words

When you realize you were looking

In the wrong place the whole time

Tell me I can’t tell me I won’t

I love the look on your face when you

Realize you were wrong and won’t admit it

I love how stubborn you are

With your arms crossed when you won’t look at me

I love how you'll never understand

That if my mistakes are what let me learn the roads

I’d rather get lost than follow your maps

Tell me I can’t tell me I won’t

I love tuning you out and listening to

The rubber on the pavement

with each open window

When I know where I’m going

And just where I am.

I want you

I want you by Bob Dylan came on the speakers--man I fucking loved that song. It was so loud and all I was wondering was if he was thinking what I was thinking. I wondered if he knew I put it on for him, like I had the sundress that was running up my thighs as I lay on his bed. Something told me he had no idea though.

He seemed so preoccupied. His mind was a traffic jam that was always written all over his face. I sat with my head off the end of the bed, my hair draped on its edge. My shoulders were by his feet and my legs lazily bent, wrapped by his hips for him to stroke.  I could feel his every touch ignite my skin, his fingertips moving without maps, keeping my toes curled in suspense while I held onto his jeans as if for dear life.

If I had known the weight of the distance between us a week later perhaps I would’ve placed my head beside his. But like I said, I was on the opposite side, with my head hanging and the blood rushing, and the folk rock blaring, my mind wandering around the walls of his room. It was when the sun hit the glass that was on his desk, making rainbows on the ceiling, that he asked me if I ever day dreamed. I didn’t know what he meant, because I thought the answer was assumed, yes of course I did. I asked him if he wanted to day dream with me. He smiled and brushed it off only to disappear back into his mind, lost, far from my side.

I wondered if he was going to miss me. A wonder I now laugh off as if it were impossible like that of a fairy tale. I felt as if wonders like that, were wasted thoughts, if there be such a thing. A feeling to leave me conflicted. For after all, if I didn’t wonder about impossible things like all those before me, I would never get anywhere worth remembering. I would simply be ordinary for now and forever like the boy who then sat beside me.

He didn’t miss me and he would never come to love me like I had him. I held no remorse in my failed attempts and wasted wonders, however. He had become a memory like that very day, a picture in an album of who I used to be, when I was where I was back then. And as for me, I had become a new again, elevated to a new high by my very ability to wonder about all the little what ifs, that I knew he would never be capable of getting his hands on.

fools

May I be a fool for you

Easy as it is to do

When the lazy sun rays hit your bones

I will fall from grace to my demise

And watch the freckles in your eyes

Gleam like fools gold in their own

Though be it when I go to reach

The faith in you that I beseech

Will go to waste with what is appraised

For your tongue is as true as the gold in your eyes

And I am a fool unknowing

fool’s gold is worthless
Never mind the beauty it seems to supply

I am what it says I am

I prayed for forgiveness
not in fear of wrath nor hell
but rather weight of
selfish vain
a prayer to thee
for what i thought not sin
a prayer to interrupt
what goes around
by way of mere
justification

so when it was that
i crossed my chest
--my motives caught,
fell,
too hot to hold,
and there i stopped dead
in the tracks of my train

guiltily questioning
my relationship with that
to whom i pray